No Second Chances
by kenzimone
Summary: Tom Paris' log entry after he and B'Elanna parted ways. [TT, NOT PT]


Hi there! It's with this story I make my debut in the FF.net ST:V section. For those of you who might recognize this, I've posted the story on a site under another pen name. So if you've already read it, there are no major differences. Maybe a few grammatical corrections, but that's all. 

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek Voyager or any of the characters. The only thing I own is the plot. 

I apologize if Tom's a little OOC. Again, be warned: this is NOT a P/T story, but a T/T (Tuvok/Torres). I dunno, I really like the pairing. Blame it on "Mind of a Soldier" and Slik. 

~*No Second Chances*~

"Tom Paris personal log, stardate unknown. 

It all started about a year ago; we were going out and everything seemed to be going smoothly in our relationship. Well, at least that's what I thought; B'Elanna said the relationship was going nowhere fast. After some twisting and turning about the situation I realised that she was right, but hey, isn't that part of a healthy relationship? Okay, I agree, it was going nowhere *really* fast, but we could work it out, right? It turns out I was wrong again, B'Elanna said we needed to spend some time apart, see if this relationship was worth working on. 'Sure', I said. This was my chance to live life as a bachelor again, you know, hang out with the boys at night, go to wild parties on the holodeck. And besides, when B'Elanna realised I was right and she was wrong, she'd come crawling back to me. 

The first few days went fine, we ate lunch together with Harry as usual, but as friends of course. After the first week B'Elanna suggested we should start seeing other people. I admit I was a little taken aback, but hey, maybe she wasn't ready to realise that our relationship was meant to be. I agreed, even got a date that night, Megan Delaney. She was fun and we had a great time, but she wasn't B'Elanna. I think B'Elanna had a date that night too, when I walked Meg to her quarters I saw her with Joe Carey in one of the corridors. I didn't think much of it, I mean it wouldn't work, Joe is so careful and B'Elanna's so.. Well, anyway, I was right. She didn't mention the date at breakfast, but when Harry asked her how it had been she confessed that it had gone 'fine' and that they'd had a great time as 'friends'. Just as expected. I felt sorry for B'Elanna, I mean she's half-Klingon and can tend to be quite.. Klingon. There's actually no match for her on the ship, me probably being the only exception. I wondered if she realised that.. 

We had been 'spending time apart' for almost two months when I began to suspect she had fallen in love - with someone else than me. Okay, I was a little jealous, but somehow I still expected us to come together again. I came to the somewhat selfish conclusion that no one except me was actually capable of loving her. I was proved wrong. When I told Harry that he should talk some sense in to her, he carefully suggested that maybe 'spending some time apart' actually meant 'spending time apart' period. From what he'd seen and heard B'Elanna was actually in love, and that I should consider forgetting about her and get on with my life. I got angry. No, I got furious. Luckily, Harry is one of those sensitive people who you just can't get *really* angry with, and I forced myself to calm down. Finally I had to agree with him and accept the way things were. 

I approached B'Elanna, and she admitted that she had her eyes on someone. I played cool, wishing her good luck and acting like it didn't bother me. She seemed relieved and admitted that she thought I would take it worse. I just laughed. Giving her my full support, I got a hug goodbye and left her quarters. I was happy I finally talked to her, at least she wouldn't feel sorry for me whenever she thought of the other guy. 

The weeks after that went by smoothly. Harry and I tried to coax B'Elanna into telling us whom it was she was interested in. She refused, smiling all the time, and saying things like 'it's just a small crush' and 'oh, it's nothing'. Harry and I both agreed on one thing: it wasn't 'just a small crush', not the way she was daydreaming all the time.. Well, we finally gave up our attempts to make her talk and settled back, waiting for her to let it slip during our conversations. She didn't.

This went on for several weeks. Once in a while she would say 'it's just a small crush', but we knew, both Harry and me, that it wasn't a crush anymore. She was in love. If you're under the impression that it was easy for me to watch her fall in love with another man you're mistaken. I think it helped a lot not knowing who it was, forcing me to treat all the men onboard with the same respect as always. 

During this time I also noticed something else in B'Elanna's behaviour. She was almost cranky, eyeing the women onboard with slit eyes as if trying to see if they had been near her love interest. That's when I realised she hadn't told him yet. That was a strange feeling. I felt happy- maybe he didn't like her, leaving her to come back to me- and at the same time angry- why was she wasting her time like this? To me, she was the most beautiful woman in the world, why didn't she tell him? I told Harry what I suspected and we went to her quarters that night to ask her. It wasn't our business, I know that, but she would never come to us and ask advice, she was too proud for that. It was always we who came to her, so why should this time be any different?

After trying to pull it out of her for almost an hour she broke down and admitted that he didn't know. You have to understand, B'Elanna is a complicated person. She never asks for advice, but if *you* ask *her*, she'll happily accept it. That night she said that 'things are much more complicated than they seem' and went on about how madly in love she was and how he couldn't possibly love her. It broke my heart, seeing her like that, and made me want to kill the person who caused her that much pain. 

That was all we could get out of her, no matter how much we tried she wouldn't say who it was. I know it's stupid, but deep down I really didn't want to know who had taken B'Elanna away from me.

When we left she thanked us for being there for her, and said that she felt much better after talking about it. I didn't feel better.. I think Harry knows me to well. When we walked down the corridor towards the turbo lift he said 'Don't let this ruin your friendship. She still loves you, but as a friend, and that's more than some people are left with after a break-up'. It wasn't harsh, but pleading, and I realised that he was right. B'Elanna was still one of my very best friends, and that was better than I could have hoped for.

After our talk, B'Elanna seemed more relaxed. She allowed her eyes to sweep across the Mess Hall, searching for that special someone, instead of staring at her food and glancing at people when she thought we weren't looking, as she had done before. I too, was relieved. Instead of focusing entirely on B'Elanna, I allowed myself to look at the other people in the room. 

Three months after we broke up, there was a turn in B'Elanna's behaviour. I didn't make the connection then, but it happened at the same time as there was a ship wide rumour about Tuvok. Apparently, when delivering mail, Neelix had happened to read the first lines in Tuvok's letter from home. I don't know why, but Neelix got the impression that something wasn't right, and after pestering Tuvok for two weeks, the Vulcan finally admitted that his wife had broken their bond. I felt sorry for him, of course, but many of us were in a similar situation. B'Elanna seemed.. Well, she seemed something between ecstatic and sorrowful. For some reason I didn't ask her why..

A week after that, I was lying in bed reading when there was a knock on my door. When I opened it, B'Elanna was outside, big smile on her face. She hugged me and began to go on about how, when she had finally revealed her feelings, he had kissed her. Before I had a chance to ask her who she was talking about, she was out the door, on her way to tell Harry.

B'Elanna wasn't in the Mess Hall the next morning, and Harry couldn't tell me much. She had told him the same thing as she had me. I couldn't but feel a little jealous when remembering how happy she'd been the day before. I had quite a few ideas of who it might be. Chakotay- she had always been close to him, maybe it really was Carey, or perhaps it was that Ayala- I knew many women liked him for some reason.

When I rounded the corner I saw them in the turbo lift. She was kissing him on the cheek as the doors opened. I tried not to stare as he stepped of the lift and passed me and I hurried to get into the lift with B'Elanna. 'It was Tuvok all along?!' I remember asking her, trying to mask the hurt in my voice. How could she? How could he? He was a *Vulcan*! Vulcans don't fall in love, Vulcans don't make people fall in love. I was angry at him for taking my B'Elanna away, and I was angry at her for fooling herself to believe that there was a chance for them. She only smiled at me. It was then I knew I shouldn't interfere. I had never seen her that happy before. It.. hurt to admit it, but it was true. 

'He loves me in every way possible. I have never thought- or hoped- that anyone would ever love me that way' she said. There were tears in her eyes. I wanted to scream at her, to make her understand that I loved her that way- that I always had and always would. Suddenly, I understood what she was saying. That she had never loved anyone so completely and gotten loved back; that her feelings had never been returned so fully. That's the way it had been with our relationship.. *We* had never been in love, *I* had been in love. The only thing I could do was to give her a hug.

Some weeks passed. The crew seemed to take the news pretty well. Can't blame them for being surprised, but they gave their full support to both B'Elanna and Tuvok. One morning when I answered the door she was standing there again. She was smiling, and I let her in. She told me he had asked her to marry him.. and she had said 'yes'. The wedding would be in two weeks. I couldn't do anything but congratulate her. She said that they had bonded the night before, making them soul mates- and married- according to Vulcan law. I got to hear how wonderful it was to know a person so well as with the bond and how she could feel his love through it. I smiled, my emotions fighting each other. My mind went blank as she sat there, telling me these things. I think I subconsciously shut myself off, hindering me from hearing how she - my only love - found happiness with another. I can't even remember walking her to the door as she got up to leave.

That was eight months ago. They are living together now, considered married by both Vulcan and Starfleet standards. They are both thrilled- he *is*, even if he doesn't want to admit it.. She's pregnant with twins, due in about two months. They are making me the godfather and the Captain the godmother. I've seen the holo-images the doctor made of the children. Two girls, both very beautiful, tanned and with pointed ears. To my surprise B'Elanna doesn't seem to mind that they will have ridges. It's Tuvok's influence, I guess. She seems to feel more.. she seems to accept who she is, the way she is. I'm happy for her. I have acknowledged that there will be no second chances with her and I'm ready to go on with my life. I'm dating a girl from the science section. She has brown hair, shoulder-length, and brown eyes. I've heard that she looks a lot like B'Elanna, but I haven't noticed. I think she's just beautiful…

End Log."


End file.
